Miami Student

Issue date: 10/22/04 Section: OpEd Page

Reactionary ideologue Ann Coulter is coming to Miami next week courtesy of the College Republicans, which is this columnist's dream come true.However, the good Lord didn't see fit to set the date of this column for after her visit, so I'll just have to improvise. If Bush can go to war before he knows what's going on in a country, then I can take on Coulter before she actually says anything. So here is what my column would look like anyway had I written it after seeing Ms. Coulter: Two conclusions can be drawn from Ann Coulter's speech before a sold-out audience at Miami this week. First, she is right-wing, bat-sh** crazy.Ann Coulter makes Bill O'Reilly look like Martin Luther King Jr.During her speech I sat in the front row, close enough to smell her breath wafting at me with the strong odor of vodka, vomit and Valium-close enough that I had to explain over and over again to nearby friends the definition of a "camel toe." During her speech she made a strong stand against abortion, which makes sense because an aborted fetus does her no good.She needs the flesh of lives babies for her sustenance.She went on to (surprisingly) blame liberals for every bad thing to ever happen in American history. Shrieking like a lunatic, she made it clear that she values her own opinion far more than that silly liberal conspiracy known as "history." She is a Joe McCarthy apologist. That's right, the man whose name has come to stand for everything paranoid,fearful and tyrannical about American government was "actually" the victim of liberal academics and media. Man, the things they don't teach you in HST 112.Let me explain something quickly: I have a dream - a goal, really - to attempt to have sex with as many female right-wing pundits and icons as I can.Why, you ask? Because I want to wake up the next day, tell them I'll call them soon, and then immediately delete the phone number from my cell.Think about it. I could finally get back at conservative talk radio host, Laura Ingraham, not by debating her with sharp political insight, but simply by sleeping with her, and when she calls telling her, "Sorry, I'm sort of busy tonight. There's a lot of you aging but mildly bone-able right wing nutjobs out there whose feelings I have to hurt."Then there are the Bush twins. Sweet God, what I wouldn't give.Imagine if I boffed a Bush daughter? Every time I ran into Bush I could give him this sly little wink and shoot my finger at him like he does when he glosses over the incredible fallacies in his foreign and domestic policies.He'd have to restrain a scowl and smile back, but deep inside he'd be thinking, "That's the major league asshole who did Jenna on my bed."This is my only true ambition in life. However, I've decided Ann Coulter is where I draw the line. If I wanted that experience I'd simply dip my genitals in a jar of acid. Therefore, my second conclusion is this: There aren't enough left-wing revenge fantasies in the world to get me to have sex with Ann Coulter.

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