Miami Student

Issue date: 11/23/04 Section: OpEd Page

A while back I wrote a column about Ann Coulter where I made two conclusions: one, Ann Coulter is a right-wing nut job, and two, I would not have sex with her. These two statements hardly seem that surprising or controversial to me, but the amount of hate mail I received seemed to contradict this. My sources tell me I was a topic of much discussion at a College Republicans meeting, and I got one e-mail that called the column "a misogynist rant with no redeeming political value." That one was from my mom. The fervor soon died down, however, and life returned to normal. That is until one day I opened my e-mail to find 30 messages from people without "muohio" addresses. Most of the messages made it clear that I was the liberal spawn of Satan and an uninformed socialist who had most likely had an abortion. I replied to one of these people, asking how he, living in Philadelphia, had read my column, and he was kind enough to point me to the source, a right-wing Web site called freerepublic.com where someone had posted my column.Excited, ecstatic, jubilant, my friends and I spent hours reading all the comments people had posted. It was astounding. By the end of the first page of 162 posts, they had accused me of being a chronic masturbator, a rapist, impotent and gay. On the second page they were threatening to call the secret service, and by the third someone claimed they called the Oxford Police Department to report me as a potential threat. He was angry that they dismissed him because of "free speech."I suspect these people took umbrage at my claim that I'd like to hurt the feelings of certain conservative women by having sex with them and not calling back. I guess I should have explained that I was experimenting with this radical new concept I've decided to term a "joke." The way this so-called "joke" works is sometimes you say things that you don't mean and/or are not true. I refer you to a previous paragraph where I said I had an abortion. For those of you using all the parts of your brain and not just the one that loves war and hates poor people, you can look at my name and picture and reasonably conclude that I have not had an abortion. Further proving my theory that conservatives have no sense of humor, a guy on Free Republic who goes by the title of "areafiftyone" missed out on the irony of calling me a loser.What really scares me is that these right-wing geniuses like our pal "areafiftyone" are not on the fringe of society anymore. They're running the damn country. "Freedomlover23" is probably defense secretary, Donald Rumsfeld. "IluvBushbutnotinagayway(gays-scareme)7897" is most likely Supreme Court Justice, Antonin Scalia.I guess since this is the case it would probably be prudent of me to apologize, just so I don't come home one day to find the Secret Service torturing my roommates for information and planting crack and child pornography in my dresser.

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