Miami Student

Issue date: 3/22/05 Section: OpEd Page

You have asked yourself the question. Your mom, dad - even your aunts and uncles - have all asked you for an answer to the question."What are you doing?" That is the question that always comes at you and that you rarely have a way to answer. It makes you look stupid, like the New York Yankees after they lost four straight games in the ALCS. You stumble and stutter something lame, hoping to impress or just get onto a different topic, like your hair cut.Why don't you just be honest? Tell them exactly what you are doing. Exactly. No sugarcoating or lies, no boasting or bravado, just the plain, simple, clean truth. Tell them that you aren't doing anything at all right now, haven't done anything recently and that unless sleeping counts as doing something, you aren't planning to do anything tonight.Why lie to your loved ones about this magnificent thing called college? Mom and Dad know that you don't go to class. Tell them that you live for playing Halo on your X-Box against teenagers from Germany at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday and that you lost $700 playing poker.Never hold back the details either. If you are going to deliver the punch of truth that is your real life, deliver it with full-on color commentary. Explain to grandma the intricate strategy required to primp your hair, pick out your clothes (collar unpopped or popped?) and douse yourself with Axe body spray before purposelessly roaming house parties or dance clubs.Tell everyone about how you long to be Tyler Durden, but can't workout because it would mean walking in the cold for a minute. Be sure to relate the story of walking five miles without a coat in 20 degree weather to find a party only to figure out that the party is over, full of people better looking than you are, lame, attended by your ex or simply non-existent. Tell them what you did on Election Day. Tell them about not even knowing where to vote or who to vote for. Explain that you never liked donkeys much and find elephants to be mildly entertaining, but smelly.Tell them that if you can't get out of bed for your eight o'clock class, how could anyone expect you to get out of bed to vote! Tell them how you understand every detail of the voting system used on American Idol, but thought that the Electoral College was part of the Ivy League.Tell your mom that, yes, you vomited in your sheets, on the floor, in the wastebasket, on the futon, on your roommate, on his desk, in your neighbor's room, in the bathroom, at a frat house, in the bushes, in a bathtub, on a car, on the sidewalk and in a police cruiser. Then tell her that she can substitute the word "urinated" for "vomited" in the sentence above and add the phrase, "In my pants."Tell grandpa how a diet of Red Bull, string cheese and Gatorade can sustain a body for weeks at a time. Then tell him about the time that you got locked out of your room at 4 a.m. wearing nothing but a towel because your inconsiderate roommate locked the door.Tell your friends about falling into a bush and later being arrested, booked, ticketed and fined. Tell them about the court appearances and how it was your fault, but you were just having a little fun taking a leak in the deepest alley, behind the biggest car and in the darkest shadow.Tell your parents to buy you a car, two Patagonia jackets and a flat screen TV because kids are laughing at your bike from Wal-Mart and your old 13-inch RCA. Tell them that $31,000 for college doesn't include the true essentials, like poker money and the cost of buying your roommate's OxyContin prescription. On second thought - just lie. Lie like a guy who has nothing to lose, everything to gain and no one to answer to. Lie like you're trying to convince your prom date's parents that those aren't condoms in your pocket. Tell the inquisitive bastards that you are going to be an accounting major. Tell them that classes are tough, that the girls really aren't that pretty, that you have no idea how to use a bong, find porn on the Internet or steal music. Tell them that whatever trouble they heard about, it wasn't your fault. Tell them it was circumstances, a fluke, the first time, and that you had to do it. Tell those question-mongers that you want to turn out just like your parents.Lie because you are still lying to yourself. Lie because you haven't experienced the freedom that comes with telling the truth. Or just tell them what you always tell them, "Nothing."

Page 1 of 1

Article Tools