Miami Student

Issue date: 4/8/05 Section: OpEd Page

Spring is here again. The lawns are littered with sunbathers. The sidewalks are littered with people watching sunbathers. The bitter clothes-covered winter has given in to the drunken naked party of springtime. There's nothing else like springtime in Oxford.I remember when I first toured Miami back in high school. I had left a small farm town and stumbled onto the Mecca that is springtime in Oxford. I was amazed at what I had found. The quads were covered with attractive people. The women weren't chewing tobacco. I knew right then and there that I belonged at Miami.Spring is here and that means it's time for people to start dressing like idiots. Women, the weather is finally warm enough for you to start wearing those skirts that look like someone cut a lamp shade in half, then cut the half in half, then dyed the remaining shards pink. Of course, the weather never stopped you from wearing them anyway. You assumed that wearing a North Face jacket made it acceptable to wear pleated skirts to the bars in the ass-numbing ear-hurting cold of January. In the name of fashion you have found a way to combine the painfulness of fellating a bee-covered cactus with the irrelevance of bringing an umbrella to an earthquake.But there's something even more disheartening than spring fashion. The one thing that concerns me even more is the strange allergic reaction that seems to plague a third of the women on this campus. I know what it's like. I too have severe outdoor allergies. Allergies that make my eyes squint like Clint Eastwood and my voice sound like Bob Dylan, however these are manageable and actually make me look like a badass. But I can only imagine what it's like to live with the unexplainable springtime ailment that turns your entire body a Muppet-esque shade of orange. Spring is more than just Muppets. Spring is a time when students can feel comfortable with who they really are. Finally students with severely depressing alcohol problems can stop drinking alone with the lights out because springtime means afternoon drinking is now socially acceptable. It's no secret that afternoon drinking at colleges has increased over the years. That's why dangerous outdoor leisure activities have gone the way of the buffalo in favor of safer, drunk-friendly games where nobody dies. Cornhole has replaced horseshoes. Frisbee has replaced hatchet. And friendly politically charged civilized discourse has replaced pointed stick eye poking.It's spring, which means Spring Break is over so people no longer feel the need to workout in hope of gaining emergency beach muscle. The gym is no longer crowded and I can finally stop my incessant bitching. Spring is a time for jobless seniors to forget about how screwed they're going to be in four weeks when they have to move back into their parents basement. I don't think mom and dad will understand when it's noon and I'm too drunk to go pick up my food stamps. I think I'd rather take my chances with the bee-covered cactus.

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