Spring Break
Column: Facebook brings fun for new user
Steve Markley
Issue date: 12/6/05 Section: OpEd Page
When it comes to technology, I'm the last person to get on board. I was the last person to get a Hotmail account in high school, I didn't manage to get an AIM screen name until last year, and only this fall did I figure out that scrambled porn on channel 83 can still be satisfying. I own a Macintosh computer, which people call "user-friendly." In computer-speak "user-friendly" means "because you're retarded." They call it an iBook, but they should call it a Playskoll My First Computer. I think there's a button next to the Alt key that makes a "moo" sound.
Because of this area of incompetence, I have only recently discovered Facebook. I know what you said when you read this headline: "Oh not another lame column about Facebook. Why don't you write about popped collars, Markley? That's pretty original, too." Well to you, sir, I'd like to say that not only do I not care what you think, but I was also once arrested for performing lewd acts in a public bathroom with your mother.
The truth is, I'm obsessed with Facebook. Believe me, if you had asked me two weeks ago what I thought of this online stalking tool, I would have said I'd rather circumcise myself with a bear-trap than ever put my picture on there for people to gawk at. However, I'd never actually seen it before. I didn't know all the pointless crap you can learn about the girl who sits five seats to your left in class. Did I ever think I would care that some of her favorite movies include Love Actually and Sweet Home Alabama? Probably not, but her political affiliation says "very conservative" which means the sex would undoubtedly be really good because of how dirty I'd feel afterward.
With Facebook you can catch up with all those old high school friends who've fallen by the wayside as time has gone by. You can figure out who's gotten fat, who's gotten fat as all hell, and who's had a crack baby (my freshman year homecoming date). You can create your own groups as well. For instance, when I first got on I discovered a group called "Sexually Disappointed by Steve Markley," which included nearly every girl I've ever dated and a few who could just tell by the way I lick a Tootsie Roll Pop. I've since decided to join the group, because I'm really the one who's most let down by my inadequacy on a nightly basis.
If there is any downside to the Facebook phenomenon, I certainly can't name it. After all, it only has a way to add people as "friends." You can't add anyone as "enemy" or "tooltastic guy in my psych class" or "I would rather make a full reversal in my sexual orientation than ever so much as touch elbows with her," which is how we tend to think of people in our day-to-day lives. Yes, on Facebook we're all friends, even that guy who had to bail his mom out of jail because of me.
Because of this area of incompetence, I have only recently discovered Facebook. I know what you said when you read this headline: "Oh not another lame column about Facebook. Why don't you write about popped collars, Markley? That's pretty original, too." Well to you, sir, I'd like to say that not only do I not care what you think, but I was also once arrested for performing lewd acts in a public bathroom with your mother.
The truth is, I'm obsessed with Facebook. Believe me, if you had asked me two weeks ago what I thought of this online stalking tool, I would have said I'd rather circumcise myself with a bear-trap than ever put my picture on there for people to gawk at. However, I'd never actually seen it before. I didn't know all the pointless crap you can learn about the girl who sits five seats to your left in class. Did I ever think I would care that some of her favorite movies include Love Actually and Sweet Home Alabama? Probably not, but her political affiliation says "very conservative" which means the sex would undoubtedly be really good because of how dirty I'd feel afterward.
With Facebook you can catch up with all those old high school friends who've fallen by the wayside as time has gone by. You can figure out who's gotten fat, who's gotten fat as all hell, and who's had a crack baby (my freshman year homecoming date). You can create your own groups as well. For instance, when I first got on I discovered a group called "Sexually Disappointed by Steve Markley," which included nearly every girl I've ever dated and a few who could just tell by the way I lick a Tootsie Roll Pop. I've since decided to join the group, because I'm really the one who's most let down by my inadequacy on a nightly basis.
If there is any downside to the Facebook phenomenon, I certainly can't name it. After all, it only has a way to add people as "friends." You can't add anyone as "enemy" or "tooltastic guy in my psych class" or "I would rather make a full reversal in my sexual orientation than ever so much as touch elbows with her," which is how we tend to think of people in our day-to-day lives. Yes, on Facebook we're all friends, even that guy who had to bail his mom out of jail because of me.
