Miami Student

Issue date: 3/20/09 Section: Amusement

To the Ohio University Post's Editorial Board:

I write in response to your Feb. 25 editorial ("We do it better: As OU's biggest rivalry heats up, Miami is still anything but cool"), which haphazardly assailed Miami University. Our student paper's editorial board refused to pen a response, the reasoning being something about having class and a shred of decency. It's sad the only program worth attending at OU (didn't get into Miami?!) can only produce a muddled, unfunny challenge to our university's prestige. As a favor, I will demonstrate how it's done properly:

My cheating ex-girlfriend attends OU. We broke up because she is stupid and ugly. I only call her cheating because she is a student in the engineering department. For her term paper she even copied former graduate students' misspellings.

I recently ran into an old high school friend, who went to OU, at the local Bath and Body Works, where he works. I pretended to be interested as he explained why OU's girls' volleyball team is better than Miami's. "We're rivals, you know?" No, I didn't. The average Miami student thinks our rivals are the University of Michigan, Ohio State University, the University of Cincinnati, Xavier University, Notre Dame University, Ohio State University again and then OU, in that order. You can be our rival when you get a hockey team. Maybe if your university's president had turned down that bonus…

I often hear from my cousin that the Halloween party in Athens is "off the hook." I asked her how many friends she invites into town to share in the festivities. "Just one. The university only gives me one guest wristband!" Nothing says wild and crazy like letting your administration put attendance quotas on your parties.

In your article, you mention Green Beer Day as a Miami student's day to wear green and pretend we go to OU. Okay I'll bite. We imagine you do start most weekdays with copious amounts of alcohol in an effort to numb the pain of living in Appalachia. Hooray for vomiting into urinals! The janitor at Skipper's confirmed this is indeed an OU tradition (class of '86 BTW). Oh, and speaking of accomplished OU alumni, those two guys who made Enzyte, the penis enhancement pill that was really just a placebo-they were Bobcats.

Finally, in response to your article's mention of our university's old mascot: Yes, the name Redskins is belittling and politically incorrect. So we changed our name, and we currently work with the Miami tribe to restore their language, display their artwork and offer scholarships for their young people. How fortunate Native Americans never inhabited the area around Athens, Ohio, knowing the land would some day be needed for an average academic institution serving middle-class, stoned, suburban underachievers.

Do I even need to touch on average SAT scores?

Take a shower to wash this one off. It would be your first in a few days.

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